Russell Brand wishes sex was official sport

Russell Brand wishes he could demonstrate his prowess in the bedroom the way sports stars can show their chops on the field.

The UK comedian and lothario said: “It’s a shame there is no public forum in which to compete sexually, because football – at which I am not gifted – is done very publicly. Were there other areas of physical expertise displayed in a similar forum, I could benefit from that.”

But Brand has toned it down since he got serious with an American pop star. He lately declared himself a one-woman-man, ditching his old attachment to the threesome since he met Katy Perry.

He said he has “never felt more settled and happy” than he does now. But he set the record straight about the couple’s pet names. There is no truth, he said, in the rumour that they call each other the Owl and the Pussycat. “It’s all made up,” said Brand. “It’s from the cauldron of fantasy. Not a single shred of truth. Not one single syllable that has resonance within the realm within which we all dwell. Zero truth.”